May 2012-The Ride in

The previous night was one filled with something that wouldn’t let me sleep.  What the feeling was is unknown to this day. I could lie and tell you a false statement; that’s just not me. The day was filled with a blank. I knew two things; Laundry and Pack. I’ll make it three-Don’t forget anything! So far it’s good. I was 3 hours early for the bus, which I didn’t mind thanks to the superior WIFI at the bus station. I played two games of League of Legends and won one match and lost the other. I was very surprised on how well my connection was; maybe the empty lobby had something to do with it.

                The reasons I didn’t choose the earlier bus are these. First off, when I sat in this enormous lobby, which is the size of a hangar at an International airport, I was in the corner furthest from the three other people that were in the lobby. So now a girl walks in and where does she decide to sit?  Four seats away from me, I have the last seat in a row of 20. Then as I continue to play Angry Birds she swayed her head back and forth like an elephant’s trunk. This girl decided to wear these tin earrings that sounded like a cowbell being hit repeatedly. Next comes the gum that she chewed with her mouth open-enough said. I asked the bus driver if there was another bus going to Minnesota she replied with a yes. She suggested that I did go with that one because her bus was quite full. So I passed on the earlier buss and stayed with my itinerary with the less populated road and played video games on my computer on a nice WIFI setup.

                My bus is pretty awesome. There is no one on this bus. Everyone has two seats to themselves. I already got a complaint about my music being too loud from a girl in front of me, (I am wearing a single headphone). It is what it is. Now it’s time for a movie. We should be at some stop in 2 hours or so in Wisconsin, and from there we go to Minnesota. Any stories I’ve heard about Greyhound are so far completely false; knock on wood.

                So I watched Tropic Thunder all the way through and the time is now quarter after four. I think in a half hour we will be making a pit stop and possibly picking up some more passengers. Since I had to listen to the movie on such a low volume, the snoring of the people on the bus were actually interfering with my movie. I played ball with the people on the bus. If they can snore loud, I can turn my movie up louder. I took out my earpiece to see if would bother anyone; it sounded like a fly buzzing away.

                Another great thing about that bus was the WIFI. I had full bars and the Internet’s delay was not bad. The guy that was behind me either talked on the phone or in his sleep. Either way it was annoying. But you probably could have said the same thing about my fingers typing rapidly over and over and over and over and over and over. The stop had arrived and I hoped for something interesting.

                How many will get on and how many will get off? Will it be crowded and how long will it take? It was just a stop at McDonalds…to stretch and use the bathroom. I got out and stretched as well as three others. One older man bought a sandwich and some lady had a smoke and used the restroom. No one talked. We just walked. If you saw us from a distance, you would have probably thought we were zombies. We moved at a slow pace going in no particular direction. I walked in a ten foot circle taking my steps fairly slowly making sure to stretch all the muscles in my legs and lower back making sure I would not have another Florida experience all over again. A guy my age walked around McDonalds, probably to do some illegal drugs, I didn’t know, nor did I care. And then an Old man walked around the bus, I assume drugs were not a factor in his walk.

Its 5AM and the bus driver did not check to see who was on the bus and just drove off. He has a schedule and doesn’t care on how he keeps it-I like that. He said five, and left at five so tough luck. Welcome to the real world I guess. I think I may know one person who had a problem with that in the past and will let them remain anonymous. No sunrise yet, hopefully I’ll have a chance to snap a decent picture or two before I leave Wisconsin. The view I do see is a gray sky with black silhouettes of trees. Not the most exciting thing in the world, thank goodness for the Internet. Oh, and the heat is just a tad bit too high on the bus. I really would like to crack my window open. Seeing that it’s one of the emergency exits, I don’t think it would be a smart thing to do.

Interesting fact: The weather at Yellowstone National Park (YNP) is snow. Thirty one degrees and snow…Do you want to guess what the forecast is for the next three days? It will be thirty one degrees and snow. This sucks a lot. I’m use to what was called early summer in Wisconsin, but no, now I get to skip summer, fall and go straight to winter. Oh how I despise Mother Nature. I was really looking forward to some discgolf and leaving skiing for the months of January and February. Remember what I said in the first paragraph? Snow pants/Snow boots. Sigh. Hopefully it won’t last too long. Maybe I brought some Wisconsin weather with me.

So even with having two seats all to myself I still couldn’t manage to crawl up into a ball like the invertebrates that were on the bus. They really need to have two or three rows on every bus that has just a little bit of a higher ceiling, leg space and a wider seat. Is that too much to ask for? I’m sure Shaq would agree with me, except for instead of “a little bit” it would be “A LOT MORE”. As I continued to stare into my laptop screen sitting sideways using both seats that were given to me, the land has a gotten a lot more hilly then I recall. Is this Minnesota? No we had yet to cross the Mississippi River. I still have two hours to get to Minneapolis. Back to the seats, imagine my butt is on the floor and my back is straight against the wall. My legs are parallel with the floor with my foot being perpendicular. Go ONE inch and put two more chairs and then the other wall of the bus. Right below my knee is where the aisle seat would be in my row. I found putting my ear on the cold window helped out a lot with the heat issue I’m having. So there’s a small plus.

About that sunrise, I objected to not taking out my camera and trying to capture the image across the bus where two people are sleeping. I can only imagine what could happen if one of them were to awake and see me taking pictures of “them”. To be safe, I saved my energy for images at Yellowstone. The sun had almost cleared the horizon and the light shined down on farm country. It was an hour and a half until we should have arrived at 7:45am in Minneapolis Minnesota. It was time for me to turn in and get some shut eye.

My greyhound experience has changed since the last note. I went to sleep in Heaven and woke up in Hell. It was about quarter to eight and the bus driver announced that he needed someone to call a number and tell the station he was on the Mississippi River. Fact: we were not. We were three minutes away from the river in bumper to bumper traffic. So someone jumped and said they had their phone dialing it. Okay I thought.  Thirty minutes later we are a block from the station in Minneapolis and the bus driver says they did not hold the buses for us. I was supposed to be in Bozeman at four in the morning the next day and would have been picked up by YSNP at 7am. Three hours to spare and I had some hefty layovers so I didn’t think too much of it. I was not the only one to be in this situation, two girls from England were hoping to visit YSNP the same day I was supposed to start work.

            We made are way to customer service, (1 cashier), who said the best thing that she could do is have us there by four in the evening, 12 hours after we were told we would have arrived when we paid for our tickets in adavnce. I voiced my complaint on how they should have known that there were going to be three passengers who would have needed to switch buses. WELL APPARENTLY, according to the bus driving laws, the driver of the bus is not allowed to make phone calls, hence the announcement of someone needing to call the station. What the driver failed to mention, was that the caller should have also stated that they needed to hold the buses. Have you ever gone to an airport and your landing was delayed 20 minutes due to weather? I have. My layover at the airport was 15 minutes. Guess what was still in the hanger waiting for me. My plane! Guess what was waiting for me when I got to Minneapolis when the BUS arrived 20 minutes late and the caller failed to hold the buses. A table was waiting for me and my two new adventurous friends from England, Sara and Charlotte.

            They met at University, (what we call college), and have been best buddies since. They spent a good chunk of their savings for a backpacking trip starting at California going to Louisiana, Florida, New York, Chicago and then a long trip to YSNP. They have a “Discovery Pass” through Greyhound so they were looking for free food and drinks for their 12 hour delay.  One of their great moments in the States was meeting Quentin Tarentino and Robert Rodriguez in New Orleans. They say they had the chance to go on the current set of their new movie but did not feel like paying $200 for a cab out there. Personally, I would have said screw the States, let me go hang with QT and RR as well as Leonardo DiCaprio, the main actor in the new movie. Check it out, it looks good. I did not get paid for this insert; I’m just a fan of all their work. Did you check it out? Good. I told you it looked good. If you didn’t, Google the three names and work from there. Good Job. Okay back to the adventure.

            So the cashier at the station was a Spanish version of Meme from the Drew Carey Show.  She was helping a customer so another cashier, sorry, “customer service personnel” came to the second register and called me forward. I stepped forward but then an ass cut the line. Who gets blamed for being in front of the red line? Me. Not only did I cross it with permission, I also dumped my luggage on my current axe wound. The scab popped open so I grabbed a bandage from my luggage and was putting it on right when Meme came around the desk shouting at me to get behind the rope. I have lost my temper with her already so I shouted back.

            “Well ma’am, if you held the bus like any other station would, I would not be here right now, I would have been on my way, but no. I had to come here to get my tickets swapped and now I’m bleeding, so if you can hold on just one moment while I put this bandage on, I will be more than happy to wait for you in a more tempered mood than that of what I am in now.”

            “Sir, you need to be-“

            “Behind the line? Bandage is on. I’ll wait. Also I would like to speak with your manager.”

            She helped the guy that cut the line and took about five minutes with that. The second cashier finally stopped dicking around behind the counter and tried to help me but failed miserably.  The manager came out of the office and asked what the problem was. I started fresh here.

            “I missed my connection because the driver was 20 minutes late and you could not hold the bus for us.”

            “According to blah blah blah, the law states that drivers are no longer to use cellular phones while driving the bus”

            “Okay. Shouldn’t you have on your records that there should be a switch from one bus to another?”

            “I’m sorry. There was no way of knowing.”

            “Okay. Well I have a contract with Yellowstone National Park saying that I was going to be at Bozeman by 7am on the 28^th. Greyhound has failed to make this possible and now you have broken my contract for me.”

            “Well if there is a problem with that, have them call here and we’ll settle what happened.”

            I stepped out of line and called my HR rep and notified them of the problem. They told me that the next time YSNP is making a run to Bozeman would be the 2^nd and that I could stay at the hotel next door to the bus station for $40 a night.  We talked a little more and after the call I went back to the manager and told him that I will have to stay at a hotel and I would hope to get some vouchers for that.

            “I’m sorry sir, we don’t control the traffic. Delays can be expected on any Greyhound bus. There is nothing further that we can do for you.”

            So the security guard heard this and decides to make friends with me and the British girls. That’s just one problem with people from Minnesota, they’re too friendly. They don’t want to do their boring job. They just want to bore others into being miserable for the rest of their stay at the dirty hobo station. Oh, did I forget to mention that there was a homeless shelter across the street? Apparently security made friends with the homeless and two of them were begging inside of the “secured”, part of the station. Not cool by any means.

            I went over to the table that was waiting for us and introduced myself to Sarah who looked miserable as a fly without shit to hover on top of. Both of them have very outgoing personalities and all three of us just got along on the spot. Charlotte came back from Starbucks and they shared their X rated stories of their already doomed Greyhound experience. We will have an Anti-Greyhound fan page on Facebook in days to come. Seeing that the Greyhound fan page only has 300+ fans on it, we think we can really crush them. With our five hour delay in Minneapolis they taught me a new card game called Shithead. Sarah asked if I played cards to which I responded with a “Yeah, who doesn’t?” They weren’t expecting me to pick up so quickly; I won the first game. I think they went easy on me because it took me a while to win another one after that. Good thing no bets were on the table. In exchange for Shithead, I taught Speed. Note to self, I forgot cribbage. D’oh!

            While playing cards we decided to watch people and their craziness. One guy stood out in particular, later I found out his name was Carl. Carlos is a cool name; Carl is just short of the cool. Carl is a senior citizen who had come to Minneapolis for some type of surgery. Apparently he has metal wires in his chest. At the station Carl tried to talk to anyone and everyone no matter of races, creed, sex, religion, age, disability and whatever else belongs to that type of clause. I didn’t have a chance to talk to him at the station, but I did encounter him at a dinner stop near Fargo. Good Movie. Carl was old and liked denim. Denim shirt, denim jeans, leather belt and leather cowboy boots. Adding to that, he has a white handlebar mustache that made him really stick out. Since I watched him interact with other people I really just didn’t want to have any sort of conversation with him. I ordered my sandwich at the stop and he continued to ask what I got. What I got on my sandwich. Did I get chips and a soda? Why didn’t I get a soda or chips? WHY IS CARL ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS? I’m pretty sure there is no quest in history of asking MacKeag what he got and why he got it. The last question he asked me was just rude.

            “Where are all the other assholes at?” Asked Carl?

            “Don’t know” and walked away as soon as I got my sandwich. Guess who sat by Sara, Charlotte and me? Yep, it was Carl. Charlotte came in from her Cigarette and sat down looking tired.

“You know I quit smoking four years ago. Want to know how I did it?” We didn’t say or do anything. We just tried to ignore him. “I woke up one day four years ago and had a cough after my morning cigarette. I didn’t want to have that anymore so I thought that to myself every time I went for a cigarette.” So then we just agreed and then two other people joined in on the whole, “You know how I quit smoking” stories. One quit because it was too expensive and the other went cold turkey. I am not happy to know that they used to smoke and have now quit. Knowing that these three strangers that I had just met use to smoke and no longer do will make me sleep with such comfort that I should thank them. That is one of my pet peeves; asking that stupid question. If I want to talk to you or I want to know how you quit, and/or talk to you I will start up a conversation. But to be quite frank, I really do not want to talk to anyone that is 45 years older than me on a bus about smoking. I just don’t need to waste my breath. I just wanted sleep which I am still currently seeking. WILL SLEEP FOR SLEEP.

The bus driver we had for that stop was named Bob. Have you seen The Office Space? That Bob. Good movie.  Bob’s rules and regulations were very funny to listen to with his strong “Hey Der” accent. I don’t recall how his whole speech went, but I do remember his closing sentence. “I hope you all can abide by the rules of Bob. Now can someone please tell me what name is?” Three people said Bob in a pretty loud voice. “Okay, well my name is Bob encase you missed it before. I hope you all enjoy the ride, Yahoo”, and laughs. One thing is for sure, Bob doesn’t know how to hold the pedal even. He would hold the gas pedal and release. He would hold the gas pedal and release. He would hold the gas pedal and release. It was a constant whiplash for a solid 6 or 7 hours.  He also didn’t know how to use the bathroom at the designated stops. We stopped for 20 minutes for food and we drove for five minutes for him to pull over to a gas station and use their restroom.  We did make it Fargo without injuries so that was a plus.

Fargo was interesting enough; thankfully nothing like the movie. We had a nice long 7 hour layover at Fargo. I was the first in the station and once again I stole the corner spot that had two outlets to charge my computer and phone. I put my suitcases on the floor next to them, (I should have put them on the chair next to where I was going to sit. You’ll find out why in a moment. NADMOG (Never A Dull Moment On Greyhound. Once our fan page on Facebook has a substantial amount of people, shirts will go on sale).  So I have my laptop on the floor to the right of my seat that is reserved with my pillow and my phone on top of that signaling to anyone that walks in; that seat is taken. Luckily enough an extra-large Garden Gnome with Dementia is with his wife that does not know how to babysit are at the station. So I walk over to the girls and see what they had in plan for the 7 hours and out of the corner of my eye the gnome has removed my phone from the pillow and put it on the floor. I yelled out, (not knowing of his condition), excuse me sir, I would appreciate it if you would not touch my belongings. The wife rushes over and they start a pushing and pulling contest and thankfully before it got out of hand a bus attendant was there to stop that. Then she had explained to the attendant and me of his condition. Ten minutes later  I’m thirsty and grab a soda from the vending machine which is 15 feet from my belongings. I come back to the Gnome sitting on my pillow. Not okay with this in any form. I told the lady that I understand that he as a condition but this is not okay and that she should be watching him better because I have had a rough day and do not need to add anything to it. She wasn’t happy. I don’t think she was right in the head because she responded with the same thing she said before. Well he has a condition- Don’t let it happen again or I will report him to the attendants. They ended up getting a ride home in five minutes. Woohoo!

Well MacK how can this day trip get any worse? Obviously that Garden Gnome had to be the worst part or at least the final adventure of the day, right? No. I feel like this adventure is like the way to YSNP. Up a hill, back down, back up, back down…repeat. It was about 8:30pm and there were six of us at the station, not including the employees. I finally get the password for the WIFI which just so happened to be FARGOBUS. I was about to try to hack and use that but the employee came over and told me. So now I’m in my corner updating Facebook and a 50 year old walks to my corner asking where we were on the map.

Not looking at the guy and just trying to have fun for a moment I responded with, “I’m not from around here, I’m from Milwaukee.”

“Oh no kidding? I was there three weeks ago. What did you do in Milwaukee?

“Pretty much drink and party,” there was slight sarcasm.

“I hear you on that. If I don’t find a job here in Fargo, I’m taking half my money and going into rehab.” How does one respond to this? This is why I listen to old advice; don’t talk to strangers. So instead of dealing with a Dementia Gnome, I had a  50 year old talking my ear off. In fairness, He did seem to be more sane then other odd creatures that I didn’t mention.  I know he smokes weed, he doesn’t believe that I’ve never tried meth, he’s in Fargo for work in construction and has four majors in English/History. I find it hard that a college grad with four majors has to result to construction, maybe the money is better.  Fargo looks like they just started building the entire town last month. Oh and he got a call from an old employer asking if he were bi-lingual. How he responded was quite bizarre for someone who has “four major degrees”. “FUCK NO. I don’t like dudes. I’m not that kind of guy.” He thought they asked if he was bisexual and apparently lost the job offer after he apologized and then bashed on how the company outsourced the jobs to Illegals. Win or Fail?

Finally the seven hour layover had finished and we could leave Fargo. We line up outside anticipating to get on right away but this bus driver started screaming.

“If you are heading to Bozeman or out West, you need to be inside the station RIGHT NOW! Don’t worry, You’ll have time to finish any cigarette you have before we leave but this information is important.” We headed inside the building to await the screaming woman’s speech. “Now LISTEN UP! The passenger heat on the bus does not work. I will be using the driver’s heat to fuel the bus. I will be cold for a while so with this in advance; I do not want to hear one complaint about this.”

“What if you have a mechanic take a look at it?” Some random mechanic asked.

“No!”

“Would it hurt to take a l-“

“I’ve been driving busses for 20 years and know my way around them. There is nothing more that can be done. You all have two options. You can get on the bus with me or wait for the next bus.”

“When will the next bus be here?” I asked.

“Twelve hours. This station is not open twenty four seven so you will be outside.” Easiest decision we made today. Let’s see. Should we wait outside in forty degree weather or go on a bus for 12 hours in fifty degree weather. We went. Two people delayed the bus exiting from Fargo. One didn’t know that the station closed because she didn’t listen to the driver. Another smelt of booze so she had to give him a special speech on why she would allow him the ride. I manage to listen to music and fall asleep here and there while watching the night pass by.

Twenty minutes after our breakfast stop we received a special tour from none other than the bitchy bus driver lady. (Now that I think about it, she reminds me of the bus driver on South Park). We drove through the Roosevelt National Park and learned some great things. Just one example: “Did you know that Roosevelt was…one of our earlier presidents.” I just wanted to yell “32^nd to be precise!” but did not. After going through Roosevelt Sate Park we traveled alongside of the Badlands. It was raining so I could not snap a picture for the life of me. I did see my first wild buffalo passing it going 60 miles per hour. Can’t say too much about it, it stood there in the rain eating grass…

We were about an hour away from Billings Montana where the road would go between hills. As the bus hit the end of the hill the wind would rock us from left to right and back left. The time is about 11:30 in the morning eastern standard time and I managed to fall asleep again for about an hour. My body was too exhausted to continue staring out the window and looking into the sunlight. Sure enough we hit turbulence and it woke me up along with others. I thought the wind was going to tip the bus. On the first bus here we had seatbelts and after I woke I started grabbing for my seatbelt. Lets’ play guess what happens next! You guessed it, there were no seatbelts. Hopefully the bus doesn’t tip on our way to Bozeman from Billings. The driver did say that this last drive will be worse than any other winds we have had encountered.

When I saw the breath taking view of Yellowstone in a distance all I could say was “WOW”.